Kayoh @ 190

I spent last week in Phoenix training for work. Because we were all out about a year and a half, the company decided to put us all through training again as if we are brand spanking new. The majority of the week was spent being exposed to Death by PowerPoint. Lucky for us all, we made it through with minimal head-nodding. Each day also held a list of guest speakers from almost every department in the company. Most of them would have been much better received had we not actually worked for the company before. So while each speaker was telling us all about how their respective department works with us, it was the perfect opportunity for us to point out just how much their respective department sucks. I almost feel bad.

One department in particular I felt the need to share my feelings with was Customer Service, aka the Gate Agents.

GA- “What you guys don’t understand is the timeline we HAVE to work under. We are so busy and there is so much going on, but we HAVE to close the door 10 minutes early in order to leave on time.”

Me- “Even if there are passengers waiting at the gate?”

GA- “Yes”

Me- “You do realize that the Gate Agents closing the door has absolutely nothing to do with getting an     On-time departure, right? The pilots have to release the brakes to start the clock”

GA- “Yes, but in theory if we close the door 10 minutes early, the flight will leave on time”

Me- “You do realize that we are in the business of actually getting our passengers from point A to point B, right?”

GA- “Yes, but we have to stick to the timeline or we get in trouble”

Me- “Blame it on the pilots, then”

GA- Blank Look

Me- “Ok, how about the times I’ve seen passengers running up to a gate 10 minutes prior for the last flight of the night, but the gate agent won’t let them down and instead starts booking hotels and vouchers. The plane continued to sit there with the jetway attached while we spend money just to not have to open the door.”

GA- “We don’t have the authority to make those decisions. We have to stick to the timeline”

Me- “So there’s no leeway for common sense?”

GA- “No. We must stick to the timeline”

I really hate that. As I was walking past the customer service counter at the airport yesterday, I heard a man say that he still had 4 minutes left and didn’t understand why the plane had left him. It makes me cringe.

I know that most, if not all airlines have a rule like this where they close out the flight XXX minutes early to make sure it departs on time, so definitely do whatever you can to be at the gate and boarding twenty minutes before departure. If a gate agent tells you that you have time to go to the bathroom, seriously look at your watch before going. As a passenger running to connect to another flight, I would suggest trying to get the pilot’s attention if at all possible because if we know you’re there, we will do whatever we can to help. Otherwise, you really are at the mercy of the airline.

Part of being an airline pilot involves getting a special physical on a regular interval. My airline happens to require me to go see the doc every six months, so before I head back to work on Monday I had to go get my “medical” this past Thursday.  If you are under the age of 35, they’re not that big of a deal. You fill out some forms, hand over around $80 and get the basics checked. Can you see? Great!  Can you hear? Awesome. Once at age 35 though, you are hooked up to an EKG machine to make sure the ticker is ticking at a level we all want our pilots to be at. And yes, of course, we all have to pee in a cup.

Over the years, I have become quite good at peeing in the small, but doable (or should I say, peeable) plastic cup. Being a girl and all makes me quite proud of this accomplishment.

Because I was on a short timeline, I had to go to a doctor that I had never been to before on Thursday. Even though the medicals are pretty standard, it is a little nerve racking to go to a “new guy” who just might find something wrong with you that will effectively end your career. After coming off of unemployment, I am just not in the mood for that to happen.

So I find the Doctor’s office and check in with my liter of water in tow to add to the enormous amount of water I have already had that morning in anticipation of peeing in the cup. One has to be prepared for these things and I don’t want to have to spend any more time than I have to trying to make myself have to go to the bathroom. By the time I see the Doctor, I am floating.

Normally (or at least at every other medical I have done in the last 17 years), the first thing you do is pee in a cup. Nope, not here. The first thing he did was weigh me which, again back to being a girl, is mortifying. Do you know how much water weighs? Well I do. And so does everyone at the Doctor’s office and of course the fine folk at the FAA. Come Monday, my company will know too.

I bite my tongue even though every part of me wanted to start whining or at the very least, make an extremely inappropriate snarky remark. At this point in the medical proceedings, I am feeling very proud of myself for practicing some new-found and hopefully lasting, self restraint.

We continue on with the eye exam and ear tests. The doc then takes out his hearing aids to listen to my heart and lungs through his stethoscope. I keep my mouth shut and my laughter to myself and smile again at how this new and improved restrained “me” is going pretty well.

When it appears that the exam is over, I just figured maybe I didn’t have give a “urine collection” this time. That or he just forgot. Nope.

The doc, pulls out a Sharpie and a dixie cup. Writes my name on it, hands it to me, and says “bathroom’s down the hall, just leave it in there when you’re done.”. A DIXIE CUP. You know, those impossibly small paper cups that your mother had in the bathroom in the plastic dispenser? Seriously, what are those things for? You can’t get an actual drink of water from them and I don’t know of anyone who shares mouthwash to necessitate another cup. But anyway, at the moment I was faced with having to pee in one.

I did my best, left it in the bathroom, got my paper medical to take to work, and left. I just paid $80 to pee in a Dixie cup. It just feels wrong.